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hard days life

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[05 Feb 2003|09:04pm]
swan ugly.
i feel like the ugly swan in the pond.
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[30 Jan 2003|04:08pm]

My personality is rated 35.
What is yours?

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[10 Oct 2002|09:17pm]
1. Favorite colors? rust, eggplant, burgundy
2. Favorite animal? koala
3. Favorite food? waffles
4. Favorite movie? dream for an insomniac
5. Favorite pop? i don't drink anything with caffine in it (including pop)
6. Favorite guy names? cole,
7. Favorite girl names?
8. Favorite subject in school? art and math
9. Favorite flower? oleander
10. Favorite cartoon character? super mario
11. Favorite fruit? pear
12. Favorite vegetable? cucumber
13. Favorite candy? edible bubbles
14. Favorite teacher? ole, mrs soltis, mr.jim
15. Favorite memory as a kid? when my mothers side of the family all still liked eachother and we got together at christmas, to eat cookies and watch old movies. at that time my older cousins would pretend to be young and would play stupid games, like LIFE, with me.
16. Favorite sport? crafting...?
17. Favorite day? wednsday
18. Favorite holiday? new years
19. Favorite magazine? seventeen, i guess.
20. Favorite book? white oleander, gingerbread
22. Favorite stores? thrift shops, i can learn to like any store
23. Favorite season? fall
24. Favorite outfit? anything i feel special in
25. Favorite stuffed animal? pete...the koala (or pig)
26. Favorite singers/band(s)? letters to cleo, oldies in general
27. Favorite time of day? deep night
28. Favorite perfume scent? victoria secrets- strawberries and creme or secret crush or vanilla
29. Favorite shoes? my maroon nine west rip offs from payless
30. Favorite jeans? my cuffed dark denim ones
31. Favorite actor? matt lillard, ashton kutcher
32. Favorite actress? tia and tamera mowry
33. Favorite relative? dawno
34. Favorite salad dressing? ewwwww
35. Favorite types of music? classic....not necessarily calassical, but music that will be classic for a long time to come.
36. Favorite town to chill in? caledonia
37. Favorite ice cream? cherry vanilla
38. Favorite family game? my family doesn't play games, unless 'try and figure out what dad is trying to say' is a game
39. Favorite sound? rain on the window
40. Favorite thing to do on a weekend? spontenaity
41. Favorite author? hm
42. Favorite Mentos commercial? the one where the big tough worker guys move the vw beetle foe the nice little lady because two stupid people parked her in.
43. Favorite brand of gum? i have recently fallen in likeness with orbit blue
44. Favorite Adam Sandler movie? billy madison
45. Favorite Jell-o flavor? sparklers
46. Favorite thing for the opposite sex to wear?axe-kilo 47. Favorite cereal? raisan bran crunch
48. Favorite type of movie? comedy- romance
49. Favorite Spice Girl? scary spice
50. Favorite Seinfeld character? i don't really like that show a whole lot
51. Favorite Rugrats character? phil and lil
52. Favorite Disney character? shrek
53. Favorite Slurpee flavor? banana
54. Favorite movie quotes? "..you could say that life itself is a stupid tradition. don't analys it. just go...."
55. Favorite song? brick- ben folds five little rosa-letters to cleo don't know why- norah jones
56. Favorite thing to drink? v-8 splash
57. Favorite advice/tip you could give someone? think fast...the ride is long, its a bumpy road, with good hand support.
58. Favorite commercial? the sega commercial where all the old people have the little kid voice.
59. Favorite activities? jewelery making, crocheting, reading, walking around
60. Favorite board game? LIFE---at least thats markies favorite
61. Favorite smells? lavender, vanilla, patchouli
62. Favorite things to do with free time? all of the above
63. Favorite poet? unpublished writers
64. Favorite place to chill in? a car
65. Favorite place to visit? i want to see new york
66. Favorite love song? i wouldn't know any
67. Favorite country song? ive got friends in low places- garth brookes
68. Favorite Sesame Street character? ZOEY
69. Favorite Designer Clothing? hm. mossimo, i guess
70. Favorite cheese? pizza cheese (mozzarella and cheddar mixed)
71. Favorite cartoon? as told by ginger
72. Favorite beer? yuckie
73. Favorite drug? tabacco
74. Favorite animal noise? purrr
75. Favorite letter of the alphabet? w
76. Favorite shenanigan? kids say the darndest things
77. Favorite Backstreet boy? ha
78. Favorite M&M? brown, they don't get the love they deserve
79. Favorite quotes? shit happens
80. Favorite Room In house? my own
81. Favorite Person to talk to about your problems? myself, or my mother
82. Favorite pair of pants? pajamies
83. Favorite piece of clothing? my scarf
84. Favorite possession? my life is in my phone
85. Favorite month? april
86. Favorite vacation spot? muskegon
87. Favorite computer font? lucidia calligraphy
88. Favorite All-Time Restaurant? dennys
89. Favorite Car? teal and white VW van
90. Favorite Radio Station? 96.1

i did my best...i can merely try.
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[18 Sep 2002|03:31pm]
am i happy?
happier than i have ever been, yet still sad.
friends have reunited. friends have departed. new people have emerged, unproven. bright colors have surfaced. tears have dried up. sleep deprevation has given me new energy.
i want to know my reunions have been worth the trouble. but i still feel friendless. i would like to know that my new expiriences are for the better. but they are not. i would like to feel bright, maybe even sunny. i would like to cry, for the good. i would like to move on.
i want. no you don't. you can surpass these things. who needs friends these days. you don't. stop the stupidity, martina.
i love being alone.

i am happy.
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[21 Aug 2002|05:43pm]
i'm alive.
for all those who care.
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[30 Jul 2002|10:43pm]
i am scared.
my anger showed through today. one innocent comment after another proved me irritated.
i don't want to know. where i go-on. what is ahead. where i lie dead. in a grave to shallow to hold me. i want to end any elongated saga...i provide the ignorant. i have the urge to speak forth. in actions. speechless. i need to show them. wrong. i need to tell them. mute. i want to show them. them. everyone. loved. lost. alone. remembered. scared.
it flew the coop...tonight.
as i shook, from ear to ear. slipped. sanity. fell, flat. floor. gasps.......irregular breath. pulled. down. heaven. gone. never. ever.
i want. selfish. stupid. needy...moronic.
idiot. me.
stains. brown. moldy. bread. better.
sleep. forever.
blue...sky. clover. heartless.
wonderful. was. he.
gone. is. he.
rest. now. dead. before.
smile. down. up. around.

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[28 Jul 2002|12:18am]
..can't think..
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[24 Jul 2002|11:23pm]
i wonder.
i wonder if things had started out different.
if they would be different now.

i wonder...
(wonder with me please..)
just give me something to grab on to.
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[22 Jul 2002|10:50pm]
i slowly choke. a salty river flows down my cheeks. turning my world into a blurry mess. my heart shakes. and uncontrollable urge jumps out through my eyes. i pass a look of sadness from my dead soul to anyone who cares.

how do you tell someone that. they made you feel special. like you were wanted. that when you were with them. you stuttered. you didn't want to disapoint them. you only wanted the best for them. how when you touched them you never wanted to let go. you wanted to smile and cry, scream and laugh, you wanted to expirience everything with them. you wanted them to feel what you felt. but you only screwed up. you fucked with their brain because your brain has been fucked with too many times.
to wake up and know that you messed up something that could have been wonderful. makes me want to hurl. all over myself. i have an everlasting urge to return to my old ways. to pull out my weapons. and abuse myself. verbully will have to do. i can be stronger than that.

it may seem silly to those reading. but i never felt anything of this nature from someone. he wanted to be with me. he was "attracted" to me. i wanted to be with him. when i held him i felt like i was something, someone.

i don't have high self esteem if any. and i don't believe anything positive people tell me. i liked myself more, when he was with me. when he kissed me. he made me feel special. because he was so wonderful. and i can never understand how i deserved what i got from him.

i don't know what i was to him. i slurred my words to much for him to understand what he was to me. i had gotten better......now i am much worse.

it will never be his fault.
i let myself get hurt. i took my guard down. and let myself get excited. and want something.
i fucked this one up.
fuck me.
3 comments|post comment

[22 Jul 2002|03:38pm]
silence has overcome me.
dead rests in my eyes.
my face has fallen.
i do not hunger.
i am pain-full, in a pain-less time.

my brain has nothing to think of. but the moment i open my mouth, i shake. i no longer have the need to speak. i am...no...i am not.
the nothingness i held deep. has been let loose. the anchor was cut. and managed to float to the top of my dead heart.

let me sleep.
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[21 Jul 2002|11:44pm]
my soap opera has ended...

"you know how you said i work to much."
"well this is hard to say, but i don't think i have time for a realtionship."

and i crumbled. i kept a straight face. i had no feeling, from that moment on. its seemed to perfect. i knew i didn't deserve it.
the one time. i let my hopes rise. an inch. a centimeter. they are trampled to the ground.

my solitude has returned.
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[21 Jul 2002|01:43am]
and another night has passed...
well i have time to tell you of a long story invovling agruments, sad and mean body language, and reunion.

we talked. over the phone, he seemed excited. at least that was my opinion. and we had arrived. outside he sat, conversing with his father, his brother, and his brothers girlfriend.we giggled to the steps. excited that amamda had made a move with her boyfriend. we were happy people. slowly we made the desicion to ride together and shove amy with dale...who she adores... we sat together on the middle seat of amandas rickety van. to the gas sation. our first stop. he was hungry. he had worked hard all day, it was the least we could have done. soon he arrived back twizzlers in one hand and a giant mountian dew in the other. off we went. to our final destination. hannah had invited us over. karen was housesitting for hannah's family. and they decided to have a little get together. and on the way... i heard of his girl encounters. of girls he flirted with and girls that decided to sleep in his bed along side him. i sat further away, comtemplating what was being said to me. i went back. it was only a week before that he had made his 'move'. and for that week i ran along one track. my mind jogged back and forth down dan avenue. it was certain something had changed. i took him aside, to fulfill my promise to amy, and ask him about dale. i got my answer, and he left me. i was lost. i sat head to the wall. asking myself how i could be so stupid. hannah found me. and questioned me. i told her my situation. and she sent for dan. i asked him.. what had happened. what he wanted. he told me, when he is with someone that he is attracted to he makes the move to see if there is anything there...he had felt something...just as i had. we didn't know where to go from there. we proceeded to go talk in dales car. we sat. arms crossed. tension in the air. he was tired and said he wanted to sleep. we pranced around the subject. and returned, when i told him that i wasn't mad, or angry in anyway with him. i was merely in an 'i hate myself' mood. i expressed to him that i felt as though i had let myself get screwed over again. we were interrupted by the mischevious people we had left behind. i thought that was it. after many goodbyes between several people. we went into seperate cars and drove. stop. amy still had her present for dale. along with amy i got out and proceeded to fall behind the van to dales car. amy at dales side. me at dans. amy gave him her gift, and returned. i felt the urge to ask him my question boiling within. but couldn't spit it out. thats when i heard it. dan had said to dale, that he just needed to do it. whatever he needed to do, we made him do. i sat at dans window. dale at the slider to the van with his excuse. dale wanted to kiss amy. and i needed to get my question out. i asked. i needed to know where we would go from there. what to do now. and after i sufficed to an answer of letting him sleep on it, dan proposed that we have mad sex in dales car all night long. i said..ok do i get to come in through his window. then he got out of the car. dan sat on the trunk. slowly i followed. his legs open towards me. he pulled me into him. he had taken his shirt off earlier to use as a pillow. i felt him. we held eachother. i had my head in his chest as he held me close. i bit his arm and kissed it. he looked at me. and kissed me. we sat in eachothers arms, sweet kisses spread all over. his hand involved with mine. i looked at him. another kiss. and as we held eachother. i was fluttered. calm. entranced. it was the perfect way to end that night and everything we had been through together. we stood. his arm around my shoulder. my around his waist. my hand locked in his. as i gently stroked his back...we seemed...to be. we returned to our position on the back hood, and sat in eachothers arms. forever. at least thats what i dreamt. he kissed my neck and my ears. he held me backward, looking straight in his. as the night passed along, dale still had not kissed amy. i offered mine and dans expertise. but dan took his initiative and placed there heads together. smack. they bounced back. first try was a no go. but the second was sure fire. we hugged. and returned to the van. in that moment. i felt. now an hour or so late for curfew, we were on our way.

..next week.. the passion is fueled with the love between two hearts torn away.
(maybe in the next episode amanda will get some action.)

we now return you to your regularly schedueled programming.
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[18 Jul 2002|11:01am]
i am going in insane.
not like i wasn't partially before.

i get up this morning...my mother gave me kiss before she left for work, and covered me with my airline blanket..(i was cold the fan was on high)..and then a few hours later i awoke. to be comfortable... not hot or cold. i went downstairs. had a bowl of cereal..(my favorite kind, raisin bran crunch..(it tastes like oatmeal raisin cookies)).. and watched a little tv. i decided to get online. you know just to check my mail. 'you have mail' i had gotten my daily horoscope, and strangely enough some sort of online kiss. instakiss to be percise. well thats where it all began.

i read my kiss. hoping it was from him, cause i sent him a kiss yesterday. but i'm still not sure. i wasn't the only person to recieve a kiss from this "SpecialEd32". so i Imed this character. he has yet to answer me. within the time i was pestering him i recieved approximately seven or more instakisses from seven or more other people. no i wouldn't mind that much if they really were kisses. but they are not. its a scam to get you to go to the website. no kiss involved.
casually i told the child that was the first culprit of instakiss that i wanted to claw his eyes out.

but thats my morning so far.
have a nice day...at least one thats better than mine.

heres a real kiss for all my LJ friends...

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[17 Jul 2002|11:34pm]
hmm. . .

What Was Your PastLife?

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[14 Jul 2002|09:42pm]
one night. one moment.
i barely knew him. but once again my eyes met his. this time in a setting where i was unsure. as we weren't the only ones there. he turned away. and i sat. hunger took over the crowd. and pizza became their savior. we took his massive beast to the pizza place, less than ten miles away. alone we sat. having barely talked, i felt the uncomfortable ora he gave. our night went on. and from place to place i stayed with him. hoping to have a better conversation.
at last, after a water fight kept up tackling our sanity (the water gun) we talked. alone. his car window down, he dropped his shield.

..i remebered. he stared straight through my eyes past any soul i thought i had. and i wondered..

alone. outside. wet. alone.
for the first time that night. and i sat. many words left my mouth, to recieve others from him. and as we got closer. we were interupted. an old friend that i hadn't seen in along while arrived to his house. and a new situation arose.
as they persisted me. complaining we had to leave. i stalled. and had a cigarette. i heard. those words. those words that meant nothing and everything at the same time.
again we left the crowd. to be alone. he promised to show me his room.
and as i entered. i wondered. i made a comment or two. and he turned to me. i felt his embrace. and saw the look in his eyes. i felt him touch me. a soft kiss. a passionate moment, ended a slightly uncomfortable night.
we returned to them. and he walked me to the car. one more moment behind the car. another at the door. i felt like i was needed that time.
we shut the doors and drove down the drive. i left him with just as many feelings as he had left me.
and as girlfriends are. their suspicious questions came forth. they wanted to know. i confided. and felt like i was needed. it felt nice.

i am only confused now.
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[12 Jul 2002|11:57pm]
i wanna feel loved...
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[09 Jul 2002|08:44pm]
cloud nine.
perfect surprise.
perfect reason.
to cry.
art palatte.
run off.
perfect bliss.
with another.
at heart.
ear to ear.

the screams of my stupidity rang so loud in my head, i woke the neighbor hood.

let. me. die. now. please.
dazed. confused. lonely.
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[08 Jul 2002|10:48pm]
it feels nice to be loved. even thought i know it is wrong.

i think about john every minute i am with HIM. and i can't help but want to know someone whats to be with me. and i know john does but its been hard to get together with him. even thought deep down i feels horrible to be touched by him. and i will never even let him kiss me. i can't help but want physical contact. not really from him. but thats the most avaiable thing.

i so stupid sometimes. i need to let things be. and suffer like the rest of the ugly people in this world. i need to just relax. and be patient. to wait. for my time. you know.

i'm not strong. like that. well i guess i am. i went 16 years before my first kiss. before there was anyone that ever wanted to be with me. i can be strong.

i am strong. no more wimping out.
i am strong.

(just go with me on this one.)
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[05 Jul 2002|12:03am]
i'm so paranoid.
i just needed to hear his voice. (and what a wonderful phone voice, he has.) i missed him. i could only think about how he was out with another girl, that was way more awesome than me. (like i am even awesome. (compared to anyone)) i wanted to spend the night in awe, peering into the sky with him. but he infored me that he was going to another show with his friend. in ways that made me less worried. (like i really have a right to be.)
but i just felt unloved when i did talk to him. he was just like yea. um. ok. and i didn't know what to say. hopefully we will get together this weekend. and reinsituat anything we had. at least restart our friendship. in the realworld. (and not campworld.)
i hold his hacky-sak and think about him. about the backwards hugs i loved to give him. and his i eyes as we parted ways at the end of the night. his arms around me when we danced. his wonderful hair, that i enjoyed to play with. his scrawny legs, arms, and body. that made him just right. his laugh. his smile. the look in his eyes when he wanted me to laugh at his silly/stupid remarks. (that i love.) his hacky-sak stance. his spirit. him.

soon we will see if there is anything there, from his side. i hope. i wish.

(he could do better than me. and i know he knows that. but i know there is some there, (at least i hope there is something there.) i just want to know if there is anyone else in his life. just to rid myself of my unending paranoia. and to be able to back off and not look like a stalking retard if there is.)

i wish.
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[04 Jul 2002|11:58pm]
blue, red, red, white, red, blue, white. our nation is crying.

yay. fireworks were tonight, of course.
me alex and cyp went downtown. ran into some people from school, but eventually found a nice place in the grass to hear the fireworks. we met a guy that wanted a cigarette. and tried to comission cyp for his band. when we finally realized we couldn't see the fireworks from our grassknoll we booked it the nearest cement overlook, and watched the trees hide have of the show. but all in all it was a awesome night. full of giggles and laughter.
it is nice.
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